I interupt this 'reporting' for a few thoughts on other stuff..

Hi everyone,

Whilst I get together other things to put on here about my adventures to Perth and back, I thought I'd put up some other stuff. This is a little deep and meaningful and from the heart, but this blog is my outlet and I need to write this down before I explode.

You know, with all the things I've experienced over the past 6 months or so, I today am very reflective and kind of meloncholy. Some of you know I've battle with serious depression most of my life,(some call it bipolar/ others manic depression) and I have had this awful feeling the past two days that it's trying to rear it's ugly head again. (Doesn't help that I'm having a bit of a lupus bout right now either)

But I'm not going to let it. I'm going to beat it into submission like I do my computers LOL. I'm going to give in to the tiredness and get more sleep. I'm going to give in to my body saying hey slow it down some, you can't go on full speed like this for much longer and hey give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel the feelings you've got and acknowledge them. And don't forget to eat girl!

You see with everything that's happened around me, to me and my family, there are lessons to learn. I learnt one on Monday at work, I was very proud of myself in how I stuck up for myself and have been given good feedback for what I did. I voiced my disgust at being 'blackmailed by stealth' to get my guaranteed payrise come the end of July. I got good feedback on that comment too. It's all good, I just have to remember this. I really love the work I do so I don't want it affected by, dare I say it, behind the scenes cr@p!!

I try to live by example. I showed on Monday that I am not going to take things like what happened and let them get away with it. I took a huge breath and let rip, not horrible, not rude just honest, firm and to the point. It worked. Though I did have a huge panic attack afterwards and had to go take some meds to calm myself down. That's not happened for a long time and it scarred me.

It's probably why I'm feeling like this today, I don't want to go there, I don't want to be in that place I can't get out of without loads of drugs and councelling yet again. So I ain't going there. I've taking minimal extra meds to help me through this. I've learnt over the years that there's nothing wrong with extra meds now and then and this is why my gp has given me different strengths of what I need, just incase I hit a 'speedbump'.

I was also stopped in my tracks at a thought this morning and yesterday. I want to share the fun that I've had with my Mum. I want to share with her the heartache I've had watching all that my family and I have been working for to make our home, get partially destroyed at the end of last year. I've wanted to share with her the struggle it's been and the joy we have that our house is better than ever. I want to share with her all the things my son experiences, him learning to drive and buying her car from Dad.

But I can't, and I don't know where she's gone. I don't know if she accepted the Lord before she died, I only hope and pray she did. As I sit here with tears rolling, I miss my mother so much and I thought it would get easier this pain in my heart, with time, but it's not. I thank God that I know He has my best interests at heart, I thank God at the gifts He allows me to have and I thank God that He's a forgiving God and knows my heart and my struggles with this thing we call life.

That's all for now, I'll return you to soon with the fun of my Perth adventures when I have it ready. For now though I'll remember "Be still and know that I am God"

hugs
Wirg