Life has it's fair share of ups and downs....

Hello everyone.

Well it's been little while since I've posted anything 'deep and meaningful'. I've got one of those lives lately that seemed to run at full speed for a while. Let's face it, I'm getting older, I've got some issues that keep rearing their ugly heads and well, sometimes I fall over.

I've been afflicted with severe depression and anxiety/panic disorder for a while now. At first I thought it was just me going 'crazy'. I didn't realise that as you get older, things from you past can catch up and slap you head on and bring you down, IF you don't deal with them AND at the most inopportune times too. I have been dealing with stuff, loads of stuff over the years. It's life, but it's also things that the average every day person may never deal with.

I've faced severe depression again recently with massive panic attacks. I decided, once my brain was a little less foggy for a day, that yep, I do need more help at the moment. Yep, I do need to go back on some medication and yep, I do need to take extra of another I'm on for a little while.

I took on so much, but didn't realise that I'm still dealing with grief in a big way. Grief for my Mum and a bit of other stuff too. Mum only died 6 January 2007, but this year's gone so fast and Christmas is coming already. This will be our first Christmas without her. I'm glad we will be at my husband's parents place this year. My Mum was 'Christmas' in my family. All year round growing up and in my early adult years, my Mum was a Christmas decoration and shop display designer and manufacturer. Can you imagine it 24/7? Yep, it was.

Though I don't like the thought of my father and younger sister not being involved in some kind of family stuff this year, they've assured me they'll be fine and they want me to go to my husbands parents. I'm so greatful for this. I have the most wonderful MIL and FIL as well as SIL who lives not far from them. It'll be great to do family stuff. It's 7 years since I've been down there. Where did those years go? Darned if I know, work, son's schooling, it all just happened, life! It's rolling along at an alarming pace for me at the moment.

So I've slowed down some, even though I'm so busy in my day job, and trying to keep my small family running smoothly. It doesn't seem like I've slowed down. I'm glad I can type fast coz hells bells, I sure wouldn't be able to get all this in a post in a hurry if I didn't.

I look around me, hear music on the radio and you know, it's life, I don't like mine right now, but I'll like it again soon I'm sure. I deal with so much stuff with my health that that's enough to depress anyone without my past slapping me in the face every now and then. Lupus sucks, I don't have it as bad as a laot of people, but still I have it and unless you read up about it you'll never know what I have to deal with.

I've also been subjected to violent abuse years ago and I shut it out. I thought if I didn't tell anyone, and never spoke about it, all would be well, it would go away. But that's not right at all. I had to deal with having to work with a new person recently who is the spitting image of the someone who caused all my anxiety and panics. It's been extremely hard to walk into my office every day this past month knowing this person is there. It's not their fault they look like this other person.

Soooo they are covered in tatoos, piercings and the like. It's disgusting really but shoot, though it's repulsive to me because of my experiences, it's not this person's fault. He doesn't know my past, those that do don't know how I've not run away but I have to face this fear and know that this bloke doesn't know me from a bar of soap. He doesn't know me at all. They tell me he's nice, but it's hard to get past the barrier of what he looks like. Actually any male with loads of tats and piercings is enough to make me run a thousand miles. It's not their fault either.

So here I am bearing my heart on my blog some more, letting you who read it know this is why I sometimes disappear for a while, this is why I don't want to be involved with things for a while, this is why I can be a bit 'hypo' and all over the place.

Thanks for reading, we'll get back to fun, creative stuff again real soon.

hugs
Wirg.